Value of Etiquette

Subsection 1: The Intrinsic and Exchangeable Value of Etiquette

Measure the success of modern civilization by its ability to develop the gentle and good in human character through etiquette. Recognize that a liberal education is incomplete and ineffective unless paired with the influence of proper decorum. Treat good manners as a vital business qualification, as they often command the best positions and salaries in all pursuits. Use a pleasing address as an antidote to poverty, for a well-bred individual is honored regardless of their financial circumstances.

Subsection 2: Social and Individual Applications

Understand that society cannot exist without acknowledged standards of behavior to regulate the interests and interactions of its members. Aspire to the title of gentleman or gentlewoman by cultivating mildness, even-temper, and smooth, graceful bearing. Acknowledge that women are the primary organizers and refiners of society; their manners serve as the touchstone of elegance for all. Pursue etiquette to provide finish and dignity to one's life, regardless of whether one is wealthy or of the middle class. Aim to serve as a social balancer by using culture to mitigate the arrogance of the rich and the self-deprecation of the poor.

Subsection 3: Professional and Institutional Value

Apply the Golden Rule in all business dealings, as it is the foundation for success in the learned professions, trade, and public service. Demonstrate reverent and quiet behavior in places of worship to ensure that the sanctity of the service is preserved for all participants. Observe the formal codes of decorum required by government and diplomacy to maintain the dignity and self-respect of the nation.

Subsection 4: The Summary of Accomplishment

Accept that politeness is the oil that smooths the frictions and vexations of daily business and social life. Rid the heart of anger and malice, for as the Indian Chief observed, true grace is natural when there is no mad in the heart. Master the art of etiquette through consistent study, observation, and the cultivation of good will toward others.

Politeness and Good Manners

Subsection 1: The Foundation of Good Manners

Recognize that good manners, civility, and a pleasing car are outward expressions of an educated heart. Accept the duty to be gentle and courteous as equal in importance to the duty of being honest or truthful. Understand that grace and ease are not temporary garments to be donned for special occasions, but traits developed through long, constant practice. View true politeness as a virtue rooted in unselfishness, forbearance, and love for one’s fellow men.

Subsection 2: The Home as the Cradle of Etiquette

Begin all training in manners at home, as it is the most effective institution for character formation. Foster an atmosphere of constant kindness and gentleness, where rudeness and ill-tempered language are entirely absent. Extend the same standard of courtesy to parents, servants, and siblings that one would show to a distinguished stranger. Teach children that good manners are not mere formality, but the natural outgrowth of a heart trained in love.

Subsection 3: The Universal Application of Politeness

Apply the rules of courtesy to everyone regardless of their station; no person is so insignificant that politeness may be dispensed with. Practice the golden rule—do unto others as you would have them do unto you—as the universal law of both morals and etiquette. Maintain consistency in your behavior; a truly polite person acts with kindness under all circumstances and in all places. Regard the true gentleman or lady as someone who is patient, respectful, and deeply unwilling to cause pain or embarrassment to others.

Subsection 4: The Significance of Little Things

Avoid small acts of neglect or thoughtlessness, as the aggregate of these petty incivilities defines one's character in the eyes of others. Observe strict standards of physical conduct: refrain from yawning, lounging, spitting, picking teeth, or slouching in the presence of others. Avoid boorish behaviors in public, such as elbowing through crowds or forcing one’s way into occupied seats. Use pleasant smiles, kind words, and good humor generously, as these small actions are as valuable as significant displays of intelligence.

Subsection 5: The Professional and Social Value of Breeding

Recognize that good manners serve as an inestimable advantage in any career, helping to inspire confidence, win favor, and secure professional success. Use the knowledge of what is considered refined to move through any social sphere with ease and confidence. Practice patience in conversation, even when the speaker is prosy, and prioritize the comfort of others over your own preferences regarding seats or belongings. Understand that your manner of action is the truest index of your character, for it is nearly impossible to hide a coarse heart behind a refined exterior.

Social Intercourse

Social Responsibility and Cultivation

Qualify yourself for society by actively cultivating the personal traits that make your presence desirable and beneficial to others. Contribute to the general refinement of society through good sense, becoming modesty, and a persistent preference for the well-being of others. Refrain from imposing yourself upon social gatherings if you are unwilling or unable to enhance the mutual enjoyment of the group.

The Practice of Civility

Cultivate genuine internal kindness so that civil behavior becomes a natural habit rather than an awkward or artificial performance. Pay strict deference to the feelings of others in both business and social interactions, suppressing any boorish or vulgar tendencies. Accept corrections regarding your own shortcomings with gratitude while strictly refraining from highlighting or annoying others with their faults. Maintain an approachable, open-hearted disposition so that your presence remains soothing and your conversation edifying to all.

Education and Information

Pursue the highest level of education your circumstances permit to refine your tastes, soften your manners, and elevate your moral purpose. Treat continuous learning as a necessity for all occupations, including agriculture and commerce, rather than a requirement reserved solely for the professions. Read widely across history, travel, and current events to remain knowledgeable about state, national, and global affairs. Develop the ability to converse intelligently on matters of public interest to avoid the embarrassment of ignorance in cultivated society.

Character and Morality

Build and protect a strong moral character by strictly avoiding bad associates, sensational literature, and the gratification of base passions. Strive continually for purity of heart and life, avoiding immoral behavior as you would a physical danger.

Handling Disagreements

Manage all differences of opinion with reason and moderation, affording your opponents the exact same respect you demand for yourself. Express your honest convictions clearly but refrain from flying into a passion or displaying a bad temper when others disagree. Avoid entirely the use of personal attacks or provocative language designed to arouse anger during a debate. Cultivate a willingness to learn from others and readily confess your own errors the moment they become apparent.

Home and Home Etiquette

The Establishment of the Home

Empower the woman of the household to direct and embellish the home to ensure the comfort and happiness of the family. Secure an independent residence for the family rather than boarding or sharing a dwelling with strangers. Establish a foundation of order, refinement, and affection from the very beginning of married life, regardless of financial means.

Marital Companionship and Conduct

Cultivate a permanent devotion between husband and wife through mutual yielding and the suppression of conflicting personal tastes. Maintain absolute confidence and trust in one another as the indispensable foundation of a happy marriage. Address personal weaknesses through gentle correction rather than harsh criticism or fault-finding. Consult the wife on all business plans and new undertakings, making her a trusted counselor in family affairs. Resolve all marital difficulties privately without the intervention of third parties or the public display of faults. Suppress bad tempers and withhold angry words to prevent lasting emotional wounds.

Domestic Politeness and Conversation

Practice the same rules of politeness and civility within the family circle that are expected in general society. Render special deference to the father by respecting his opinions, concealing his weaknesses, and studying his comfort. Treat the mother with deep tenderness and offer her the unreserved homage of the heart. Give visiting relatives preference and greater respect than common acquaintances. Select conversational topics at the table and fireside that engage and interest all family members. Focus conversation on the virtues of others rather than defaming neighbors or highlighting their faults.

Cultivation of Manners and Taste

Develop pure tastes in children from early childhood through general moral and intellectual culture. Practice good manners daily within the home to ensure they become habitual and natural rather than forced. Use good manners to preserve mutual respect among family members and to maintain an appropriate balance of familiarity and reserve. Establish the family life as a model of courtesy to protect children from attracting vicious or ill-mannered associates when they enter society.

Culture at Home

Parental Influence and Behavior

Act as the primary example for the character traits desired in children. Maintain a consistent and honest demeanor to foster integrity in the household. Avoid using derogatory nicknames for children and treat them with the dignity they deserve. Lead the family through the power of love and affection rather than through the fear of punishment. Provide children with adequate food, clothing, and innocent social enjoyments to prevent justified complaints.

Personal Discipline and Habits

Encourage children to engage in useful labor and earn the money they receive for their enjoyment. Teach children to yield their own will to the preferences of others in minor matters to maintain domestic peace. Require children to be neat in their personal appearance and responsible for the order of their own rooms. Maintain a standard of cleanliness and proper etiquette at the dining table to avoid embarrassment in public. Prohibit the use of profanity, slang, and any form of vulgar conversation within the home.

Moral and Religious Training

Discourage constant fault-finding, suspicion, and quarreling among family members. Cultivate a spirit of gratitude and devotion through daily religious practice and family prayer. Require strict obedience to authority as a foundation for future citizenship and social order. Use the rod of correction sparingly, prioritizing instructions that reach the heart.

Intellectual Development

Direct the reading habits of the young toward informative and wholesome literature rather than sensationalism. Keep the home free of impure periodicals that might corrupt the mind or character. Build a home library containing a variety of books to serve as a source of inspiration and knowledge. Use reading as a means to occupy time that might otherwise be spent in idleness or bad company.

Career and Vocational Guidance

Guide children toward a life calling that matches their natural abilities rather than seeking social status. Teach that all forms of honest work, including manual labor and business, are honorable and worthy of respect. Ensure every child is trained in a specific trade, science, or profession before they are sent out into the world.

Entrance Into Society

Purpose and Balance in Society

Engage in society as a means for personal and moral improvement rather than viewing social interaction as an ultimate goal. Share your intellectual and moral attainments with others while actively benefiting from the knowledge they provide. Avoid becoming exclusively absorbed by social events and ensure you maintain and nurture a private inner life. Ensure you possess genuine sympathy and information before engaging socially to avoid being entirely empty and uninteresting.

Authenticity and Affectation

Demonstrate sound sense and correct taste through absolute simplicity in both conduct and manners. Avoid all artificial behavior and false pretenses, as attempting to seem what you are not requires exhausting effort and reveals an empty mind. Remain entirely natural in your demeanor, recognizing that natural awkwardness is vastly preferable to affected grace. Listen politely and willingly when others teach you things you already know to remain agreeable in company.

Guidelines for Young Ladies

Avoid developing an obsession with fashion and ensure you can converse intelligently on subjects other than clothing. Dress neatly, in good taste, and in alignment with current styles, avoiding gorgeous extremes or oddly cut garments that disfigure the person. Speak genuinely and with modesty, entirely avoiding labored, rehearsed, or unnatural styles of conversation. Refuse to engage in gossip, tattling, or slander, and never repeat hearsay regarding the character of others. Protect your reputation by fitting yourself for the best social circles and refusing to associate with inferior or questionable company. Maintain refined and sober conduct, avoiding wild or boisterous behavior in public spaces and parlors while remaining appropriately sociable.

Guidelines for Young Men

Select neat and tasteful attire, avoiding flashy garments that indicate a coarse taste. Purchase only those clothes you can afford, dressing strictly within your income and refusing to envy those who dress extravagantly. Treat everyone with respect and avoid giving offense through pert or arrogant behavior. Demonstrate good breeding by showing particular deference and respect to elderly individuals. Abstain entirely from destructive habits such as swearing, drinking alcohol, and playing cards, regardless of peer pressure or ridicule. Practice reasonable economy and avoid spending money merely to demonstrate liberality or wealth. Shun the habit of buying unnecessary treats for others, as it wastes finances and encourages loafing and dissipation.

Introductions

The Nature and Purpose of Introductions

An introduction constitutes a tacit pledge by the introducer that persons introduced are fit to come into each other's society. An introduction serves as the foundation for acquaintanceship, which may be temporary or develop into lasting friendship. Formal introductions are termed the highway to friendship, while casual acquaintance is termed the by-path. Introductions must be governed by circumstances, good sense, and judgment, avoiding anything like unkindness, rudeness, or discourtesy.

General Introduction Practices

Persons should not form the habit of introducing friends to every person they meet without respect to time, place, or occasion. General introductions need not be made in large cities and towns, though they may be appropriate in small towns and villages where citizens are generally known to each other. When introducing two persons, the introducer should obtain consent from the party to whom introduction is desired whenever practicable. The introducer must be thoroughly acquainted with both parties to ensure the introduction is equally desirable for each.

Introduction of a Gentleman to a Gentlelady

Good society accords a lady the right to determine with whom she will form an acquaintance. A gentleman desiring introduction to a gentlelady must first ascertain whether such acquaintance will be agreeable to the gentlelady. A stranger should not be introduced into the house of a friend without first obtaining permission. If an introduction would not be agreeable to the gentlelady, the introducer should decline to grant the wish. Upon introduction, both gentleman and lady should bow slightly. The gentleman must start the conversation following introduction. The one who is introduced should make the first remarks.

Introduction Without Ceremony

When parties meet at the house of a mutual friend, they may take such a fact as sufficient guaranty for beginning an acquaintanceship if mutual desire exists. The duty of hospitality affords a pledge of the respectability of all who claim it. Formal introduction is unnecessary for acquaintances formed among ladies and gentlemen who are traveling. Traveling friendships must be conducted with a certain amount of reserve and need not be continued beyond the casual meeting. Dignified silence should mark the least indication of disrespect or undue familiarity in traveling acquaintances. A young woman should be very careful in the formation of traveling acquaintances, more so than a married or elderly woman.

Proper Form and Protocol in Giving Introductions

When giving introductions, introduce the gentleman to the gentlelady, the younger to the elder, and the inferior in social position to the superior. In introducing, bow to the lady or make a slight wave of the hand toward her and say, "Miss A., permit me to introduce my friend Mr. B." The gentlelady and gentleman bow to each other, each repeating the other's name. The gentleman should say, "I am glad to meet you" or "It gives me much pleasure to make your acquaintance" or similar remark. When introducing gentlemen, it is customary to say, "Mr. A., allow me to make you acquainted with Mr. B." or simply, "Mr. A., Mr. B." The words of an introduction are immaterial so long as the proper form and order are retained.

Speaking Names Clearly

It is of the utmost importance to speak each name very distinctly during introduction. Do this, as failure to speak names distinctly often involves timid persons in painful embarrassment. If either party does not distinctly understand the name of the other, he should say at once, without embarrassment or hesitation, before making the bow, "I beg your pardon; I did not catch the name."

Introduction of Multiple Persons

When several persons are to be presented to one individual, mention the name of the individual first, then repeat the names of the others in succession. Bow slightly or wave the hand as each name is called. True politeness explains to the parties introduced something of the business or residence of each. If one has recently returned from a trip, it is good manners to state so. Such items always aid in starting a conversation.

Introduction During Calls

During calls where parties remain in a house but a short time, the ceremony of introduction may be dispensed with. If it seems such introduction will add to the pleasure of callers and there is no objection, it is good taste to give introductions even at such times. An introduction during a call may or may not be extended into an acquaintance. There is no obligation to recognize each other as acquaintances again unless both parties desire to do so.

Introduction of Relatives

When members of one's own family are introduced, give both the degree of kinship and the name. Say, "My father, Mr. A." or "My son, Mr. A., or Mr. Joseph A." One's wife is simply called "Mrs. A." If another Mrs. A. exists in the family, she may be introduced as "Mrs. A., my sister-in-law," etc. By giving the name, there is no ambiguity as to what to call the party introduced.

Mentioning Titles

In an introduction, give one his appropriate title. For a clergyman, say "Rev. Mr. B." For a doctor of divinity, say "Rev. Dr. B." A member of Congress is styled "Honorable," with mention of which branch he belongs. If a Governor of a State, specify the State. If a man of note in any pursuit claiming great ability, state the fact. For an author, state something like "Mr. Longfellow, author of 'The Psalm of Life,' which you have admired so much."

Necessary Introductions

A visitor at one's house must be made acquainted with all callers. Good manners require callers to cultivate acquaintance with the visitor while the visitor remains. If you are the caller introduced, give the same attention to the friend of your friend that you would wish shown to your own friends under similar circumstances. This rule need not be observed in public places, and if introduction takes place in public, the acquaintance need not be continued unless desired.

Claims of an Introduction

When an introduction has taken place under proper circumstances, both parties have certain claims upon each other's acquaintance in the future. These claims should be recognized unless there are good reasons for disregarding them. Even when disregarding claims, good manners demand the formal bow of recognition when meeting. Only very poorly bred persons will meet or pass each other with a stare. Where both parties desire the introduction to ripen into friendship, each should maintain reasonable cordiality toward the other on meeting and when mingling in society. The practice of shaking hands is optional and should be exercised with discretion, especially by young and unmarried ladies.

Recognition

Good usage gives the gentlelady the privilege of determining whether she will recognize a gentleman after introduction. It is the gentlelady's place to make recognition first by a slight bow. The gentleman is bound to return her recognition in the same manner.

The Cut

The cut is given by a continued stare at a person. The cut can only be justified by extraordinary and notoriously bad conduct on the part of the one cut. It is very seldom called for. Should one desire to avoid a bowing acquaintance with another, it may be done by turning aside or dropping the eyes. Good society will not allow a gentleman to give a lady the cut under any circumstances. There may be circumstances in which a gentleman would be excused for persisting in not meeting a lady's eyes, for should their eyes meet he must bow, even if she fails to grant decided recognition.

Introduction on the Street

An introduction should never be given on the street unless it is strictly a matter of business or an emergency not to be avoided. If when walking with a friend on the street one meets an acquaintance and stops to speak, it is unnecessary to introduce the two who are strangers. Upon separating, the friend who is with you gives a parting salutation the same as yourself. This rule applies to both ladies and gentlemen.

Introduction of One's Self

If upon entering a reception-room to pay a visit you are not recognized, mention your name at once. If you know one member of the family and find others only in the room, make yourself known to them. Failure to do so may result in much embarrassment and awkwardness. You should mention your name in an easy, self-possessed way. Ask for the member of the family with whom you are acquainted.

Shaking Hands on Introduction

When an introduction takes place between a lady and a gentleman, she should merely bow and not offer to shake hands unless the gentleman is an intimate acquaintance of some member of the family. If the gentleman is a well-known friend, she may give him her hand in token of esteem and respect. A gentleman must not offer his hand to a lady until she has made the first movement. A married woman should offer her hand on being introduced to a stranger in her own house, especially if he has been brought to the house by her husband or by a mutual friend. Such an act by a married woman indicates cordiality and shows the stranger that he is welcome. While much discretion must be used by ladies in shaking hands with gentlemen, it shows a good spirit, and where surroundings are as they should be, no danger is likely to arise from the custom. Gentlemen almost invariably shake hands with each other on being introduced. The elder of the two, or the superior in social standing, should make the first movement in offering to shake hands. Gentlemen, in shaking hands with gentleladies or with each other, should be careful not to grip the hand too closely, as this inflicts pain and shows anything else but good breeding.

Written Introductions

Much care should be exercised in granting letters of introduction. Letters of introduction should be given only to intimate friends. Such letters should be addressed to one with whom the writer has a strong personal friendship. It is foolish and dangerous to give such a letter to one with whom the writer is but slightly acquainted. By doing so, the writer may not only place himself but also the one addressed in a very mortifying position. The author of such a letter should be confident as to the integrity of the one introduced. The author should be equally well assured that such acquaintance will be agreeable to the one to whom the letter is addressed. In general, such letters should be given very cautiously and sparingly.

Delivering Letters of Introduction

It is not generally best for the bearer of a letter of introduction to deliver it in person. The better plan is, on arriving at the place of residence of the party addressed, to send the letter accompanied with your own card of address. If the addressed party desires to comply with the wish of his friend, he will at once call upon you. If circumstances are such that he cannot call upon you, he will send his card of address, and you may call upon him at your leisure.

Duty of Person Addressed

In Europe, a person bearing a letter of introduction makes the first call. In America, it is the opinion that a stranger should not be made to feel that he is begging attention. If it is your wish and in your power, you should welcome at once and in a cordial way the one bearing a letter of introduction addressed to yourself. Call upon him as soon as you receive his letter of introduction. Accord to him such treatment as you would be pleased to receive were you in his place.

Business Letters of Introduction

Letters of introduction for business purposes often pass between business men. Etiquette does not require the receiver to entertain the bearer as a friend. The conduct of each should be gentlemanly. The obligation of such a letter ceases with the transaction of the business in hand. If the acquaintance proves mutually agreeable, such a letter may be the basis of a real and lasting friendship.

Salutations and Greetings

Modes of Salutation

The bow, handshaking, and the kiss constitute the accepted modes of salutation. A slight inclination of the head or a wave of the hand is sufficient and constitutes a bow. The bow must never be omitted, even to one with whom you have had a misunderstanding. Always return a bow even if you do not recognize the person making it. Younger persons must bow first and continue recognition until it becomes mutual. On public promenades or in driving, civility requires but a single bow to a person.

Words of Greeting

Good Morning, Good Afternoon, Good Evening, How do you do, and How are you are the commonly used greetings. The first three are most appropriate unless you stop to ask after another's health. Eyes should express a smile as words are exchanged, but broad grins should be avoided. A respectful bow should always accompany greeting words.

Handshaking

A man has no right to take a lady's hand until it is offered. Two ladies shake hands gently and softly. A young lady gives her hand but does not shake a gentleman's unless he is her friend. A lady should always rise to give her hand; a gentleman never remains seated. On introduction into a room, a married lady generally offers her hand; a young lady does not. In a ball-room, handshaking is out of place. The more public the place, the less proper is handshaking. The right hand should always be given when shaking hands. If the right hand is impossible, an excuse should be offered. The woman of a house should offer her hand to every invited guest.

The Kiss

The kiss is the most affectionate form of salutation. It is only proper among near relatives and dear friends. The kiss of friendship and relationship is on the cheeks and forehead. The practice of women kissing each other in public is decidedly vulgar and avoided by gentleladies of delicacy and true refinement.